I'm tired of 'seems'

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:58:27 GMT

i'm the bravest coward I've ever seen.
fly half way across the world but can't tell someone that i love them. brillant.
i've waited too long. its too late.
so i'm starting to hang out with another friend. i have fun with them. it'll all be alright. i'll forget.
they don't burn for me anymore.

frustration

Fri, 30 May 2008 15:13:19 GMT

alright. this is absurd. i'm not doing well in physics (not surprising since i haven't taken calculus or math in 4 years) and i have no one to love. why? because i didn't have the balls to swoop. now, she's dating someone else and might even get married before the end of college.
what the fuck.
i miss her.
but i know that will fade. so will loving her.
sometimes i wish i weren't such a loner because then i might meet more people and have more possibilities, but then again, meeting a million people who maybe might be right for me is like getting a really bad sunburn a millions of times. I'd rather read a book. So, I do.
Besides, its safer this way. Right?
I think I just need more hugs, and more work, and more boxing, and more brazilian jiu jitsu, and more MIT podcasts, and more nerdy awkward people to hang out with. yeah, thats all. f

Tue, 25 Dec 2007 16:12:07 GMT

"And, also, I want vanishing cream. You know-
a character like Popeye rubs it on
and disappears. Although you see right through him,
he's there. He chuckles, stumbles into things,
and smoke that's clearly visible escapes
from his invisible pipe. It make me think,
sometimes, of you. What makes me think of me
is the poor jerk who wanders out on air
and then looks down. Below his feet, he sees
eternity, and suddenly his shoes
no longer work on nothingness, and down
he goes. As I fall past, remember me."

-andrew hudgins "praying drunk"

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 09:19:22 GMT

its been almost 5 months. it's felt like a year.
and i'm slipping.
i'm going down hill. and all it takes is the sound of your voice.
and i've lost everything with a whisper

but she loves me. and i can't disappoint.
i feel it in her lips as they press desperately against my head where whats hair is left hovers. and i don't want to be the one who needs help, but i'm such a mess.
i haven't been this much of a mess in a long time. about 6 - 7 months.
and my throat hurts from crying and my whole body feels like its aching for a relapse.
and i have to fight this, all my life, i have to...
but i see her with him
and i die a little. not because i want to be him and be with her, no. thats not it at all. its because its all i ever wanted to be in love, a relationship. but i wouldn't subject anyone to this.
and now that i'm a big mess again. i don't want anyone to have to deal with it.
i just can't do anything but cry.

because i'm being crushed bone by bone
by where i've been and where i now call home.
who i was and who i've become.
and that ghost of me, still hovers waiting to replace this sense of self that seems dream-like and temporary.
if she wasn't here, would i still be looking for love in between womens legs?
the answer to that question scares me. but all i ever wanted was someone to care.
for love not to equal sex. and for my father to stop putting his hands on me.

and i'd never had someone to call. i'm not used to this whole friends that actually are good people thing. not completely atleast. and most of all, i'm not used to asking for something and then actually getting it.
i called her and emily and they actually showed up. i'm not used to people showing up. its so simple and yet it means the world. to me.

i'm just...less alone than before, but still very very much alone.
and freezing in the rochester snow, drawing '<3's and hate in the powdery ice.
i hate this place i can't escape that comes on back, on its bitter embrace. i love it i hate it, the people here don't know it.
they know me as charismatic, nice, brave, strong, and artistic and articulate; how am i supposed to break it to them that
this other side
is starting to eat me alive
the one i've been longing to hide.
the asshole, the malicious intent, the manipulation, the blank face, the lack of regret, the deceit, the lies, the depression, the wanting to die.they just don't know.
and i miss her because she knew. but i'm not strong enough to rebuild it the right way and i'm not strong enough not to fall back into place. i hate this.
i'm such a mess.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 23:33:30 GMT

i'm 19
i'm not at home anymore
but i'm self-reformed. i got it back, or i had it. i don't know which one
and i'm performing now. but i can't decide if people are just telling me its good because they know me or if its genuinely good.
i don't know.
and my mac's dead. so i'm using the computer i used years ago , where it all started,
this computer was me. it was the only relationship i had that lasted more than a month without falling to shit.
and it still works. a little slower.

but i feel like i'm in 6th grade again, realizing the epic events that had to happen and dragging myself through them.
but knowing her, it makes me all wonder if i couldn't have turned out like that : happy and relatively simple.
and she doesn't understand. she knows. but shes what i got. and i'm not fucking it up.

its been about 6 months of :
no drugs
no drinks
no girls
no conquests
no excuses
no drowning
no breaking
no meds
no therapy
no breaking other people
no slip ups
and i've been really really good. but i still think about alot of it. it doesn't consume me, but i still think about girls sometimes and it would be waaaaaaaay too easy for me to spend spring break taking it all back again in baltimore, going around hitting on people, starting meaningless conquests and hooking up with everyone i thought was beautiful and a trophy. but i'm not. and its hard. because for the first time since 6th grade, i'm actually looking for a healthy relationship. but its left me waiting around for something to happen. and sometimes its just too hard.
and i almost take her. but in this case, almost means everything.
and she knows all of my past and she still loves me. unconditionally. and i just don't know where i've been to keep thinking sometimes about doing what i have programmed myself to do. i never follow through.

and we sleep together under blankets like kids who have no knowledge of sex, and i've never felt more loved.
she thinks my bruise is beautiful, and she thinks my hairy legs in the winter are amazing.
and we've been close for 6 months, and whether she knows it or not, she's the reason i'm clean. shes given me the strength to be happy and the love it takes to keep it that way. and i never needed much. it just needed to be right.
and it is.
shes seen me cry. i cry now.
and i'm not pretending to be something else.
but i don't know how i see myself anymore.
i just need to get out of this defense mechanism of seeing myself as a guy. i am not. i am very clearly physically not. but i just...i need to not fear my dad, not want to destroy him, and not want to never come back. but its all i can do to talk to him.

and my hairs gone, its in a mohawk. and i always wanted to do it.
but the only thing he can say is 'dyke'
and he just doesn't get it.

i'm going to live with her next year and the year after that, and the year after that.
and i can't imagine my life without her. its all so innocent and happy. and for the first time, i feel that too.

but for the past couple of days, i can't help but thinking this is where they said i'd be
that in any second now, its all going to come crashing down.
i just want someone to love me as much as i love them, and with her, its the closest i've ever gotten.
i love her better than i've loved anyone before.
and its never going to be fucked up, i'm never going to fucking it.
i'm never going to kiss her, she is never going to kiss me.
and i've never been more happy about that ever.
but lately, all i can do is run into awkward conversations or situations where some girl is hitting on me , or someone is changing when i open the door, or i go in for a kiss on the cheek and they turn head first and think i was doing something else and i wasn't. i wasn't. i don't.

i can't go back. but i have to, in order to fix it all. i've tried so hard. but i just can't.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 20:23:55 GMT

dear somebody,
please don't fall in love with me.
please don't fall in love with me.
-your hallmate

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 21:40:51 GMT

i officially have no name to what i want. its not chris. its not giora. its not taylor. its nothing. (maybe marghe, but wtf are the chances of that happening? unless i get my ass to nyc this weekend)

i've got so many people yet almost none i connect with. i've got my rents, chris (in a different way), marghe, manu, esther(but shes in germany now) and brent.

but who am i kidding ? no one i know cares that much. i have nothing romantic going on and it sucks. plus, i'm falling hard. everything sucks in a comfortable way. and all i want to do is call you, but of course after saying that, i won't want to. thats how fucking fickle i am. i'm back to nothing.

i can't help but miss you all over again. we weren't in love, but it doesn't seem to matter now. i hate myself for pretending that was what it was.

i don't know what i want at all. no ones gonna catch me,...but i wish you would.

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 03:17:03 GMT

ok. this weekend.
i have 3 choices: go to nyc and try to hook up with marghe, go on a road trip to conneticut to go to a wedding with manu, go to my cousins 30th b-day party (white water rafting).
manu knows this guy (whose name i forget) who has a place in westchester, so i could stay there friday night (or marghe's or she could stay over, oh yeaaah) and then go to the wedding saturday, find out whats going on with the b-day party and try to fit it in somewhere in the weekend.

hope this whole being grounded thing is gonna be over soon. i don't have time to be grounded.

on another note, i just got back from nc and its the most fucking depressing place ive been. i don't even feel normal at all. i'm all antsy and stuff. ew. but chris is better. apparently, he did call me back and my uncle answered and he just hung up. lol. i miss him. alot. i feel incomplete. we're suppose to talk at like 9 tomorrow night. we haven't really talked. only had small talk conversations. i love him. i can't stop that. its just, ridiculous. he just needs to make time for me :). i've felt like crap ever since i was there at nc. grandma's dying which makes me ridiculously sad. everyone is so fucking messed up and my cousin is messed up but 50 percent better when i'm around.

i'm not gonna sleep tonight because esther is coming over, sleeping over, not really sleeping, but still being over, over. so yeah. it should be fun. exhausting but fun.
nothing bad has happened with brent. no shirt was given to him. he's still cool. i'm not in trouble. with anyone. plus i should be out of debt by the end of this week. but this weekend might get crazy...idk. if they let me go and i spend time with my dad alot. this would be amazing!!!!!

fuck yeah. i got shit to look forward to. i gtg sell stuff on ebay and be in the green for this weekend. fucking awesome.

omg its 11:11pm...i used to think that meant smth, but it really doesn't.

i'm so gonna overload on classes, i just know it. double major in bio and french and minor in german and hebrew. because i'm crazy.

and of course, do womens rugby (because i've always wanted to just drop my shoulder and plough through scores of people).

i'm soooo ready.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 21:57:45 GMT

ok. you know what? this whole dating lots of boys is getting really fucking complicated! oh and marghe (almost) ...when i'm in ny...and ali....FUCK
so basically i'm going out with 2 boys, mainly, right now...Brent and Chris...
Taylor should be back sometime this week, Giora is probably dead somewhere in israel, AJ is stillllll bothering me about being his gf, Derek is being slow, marghe wants me in ny now and i just don't have time for all of this. seriously! but i can't not go to ny like now, because i mean, c'mon.

Esther is spending the night on Sunday, her last night in the US, and i might drive her to the airport monday. Because shes awesome.

My grandma's dying and i visited her today. seeing her is like watching every girl i've ever loved die alone and miserable and drugged.

i only really like foreigners: Marghe is from Italy and fluent in three languages, Esther is german and fluent in english and french, Brent grew up in singapore and speaks chinese even though he's completely white, and Chris doesn't need to be foreign because he jumps out of planes and is, among other things, in the ROTC. oh...and Ali is turkish.

Nick says that since i have boys across the world, i might as well add nc to the list. this is true, but i was too tired last night to engage in any of that. tonight i might, but idk.

I should probably chill out things with Brent and focus on Chris (even though we play phone tag constantly and haven't really talked), but Brent has a really nice effin apartment and no roommate and a nice computer, etc. etc. and isn't busy so i could go over whenever i want and basically he'll be there. so he's more available. but i don't love brent. i really don't. i love that he loves me. shit is gonna hit the fan soon. chris is free all next week so i'll take him around and stuff.

i feel like shit right now. i think chris said 'i love you, bye' on the phone today. and now i'm fucked. i miss him so bad, but in someways he's just not for me and i miss sayy...taylor who is taller nicer and more respectful and cute and did my hair in the shower. i just don't know what to do except keep juggling this. i actually didn't mention brent to chris on purpose. this just isn't my style. i can't lie to chris. and i think he's serious about me, like if i go out with him for a year or so he'll ask me to marry him serious. and i'm like, fuck! idk what to do. this is awesome in someways, but i feel like i'm cheating. maybe i am. i have no idea. i'm so pissed esthers going back to germany when i only knew her like a week. i love her. she's amazing.

i don't know what i'm going to do. i need to work out or something because everythings starting to weigh pretty heavy on me and idk what to do. i'll probably just flirt with more guys and start more things i know i won't finish. yeah, i think thats what i'll do.

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 01:38:11 GMT

"You know what? If i lived down here, I would do copious amounts of drugs too." I said to Nick. Its true. There is nothing to do here except smoke, drink, play pool, and have sex.

Plus I'm so fucking tired because i spent all night monday with esther until like 3:30 am, but she's gonna spend her last night in the u.s. at my place, which is awesome. we'll sit on my roof or something. man, i love her. brent doesn't know what he got himself into, so stupid.

i need to go to nyc ASAP. marghe wants to hang out.

i wish i wasn't so tired, then i'd hit on some guys and get some numbers, but right now, the only thing i want to do is talk to the people i already know, talk to chris, sleep, read, and thats it.
so boring. i'm gonna miss esther so bad. she's like a german me. we're so sad we just met now. w/e. i'll learn some german and go visit her in germany.

its funny, i was talking to my cousin Nick and he was like, man, you're like a she-pimp: you have men all over the world. I was like, no i don't, then i started to think about it and its true. wierrrdd. w/e gtg.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 22:20:09 GMT

things are crazy.

brent, ali, giora, taylor, chris, derek, and marghe (margerita). these are the boys of summer, plus the most beautiful girl i've ever seen in my life who happens to be interested in me (marghe), italian, and fluent in three languages.

as you can see, my life...its so tough.
my mom thinks i'm gonna start forgetting names pretty soon. meanwhile, manu wants me to write a book.

going out with esther tonight the "hot german" (manu), too bad i gtg to NC and start all over again.

chris turned out to be an ass, but thats ok because if he doesn't respect me i won't respect him. i bet he wouldn't be so cocky if he knew there were two other guys just in baltimore. i just want to know if he wants me to be in a relationship relationship with him. because then i won't hook up with anyone else. but balls in his court.

the love of my life

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 18:00:52 GMT

i've been waiting so long that i forgot he existed. i forget being in love so much that i posted something on ontuesdays that says even if the love of my life showed up i'd tell them to wait 8 years til i'm ready to settle down.
i guess god is testing that stupid declaration. because i was driving down reisterstown rd. when i saw military hummers and thought "oooooOOOoooo, military boys are hot!" and so i looked at each guy driving them and there were a couple of black guys and then there was this familiar looking tan white guy. and i thought, no way is that chris! so i followed them onto the highway and honked at his car because i thought it totally was! and so i randomly had his cell phone number and i called him and it was definately him! i called him and he was driving the hummer to havre de grace to get some maintenance and stuff. Chris asked me out and we're going on a date tonight. lindsay is out of his life now.
i've been waiting so long for him that i forgot i was. i was waiting so long i forgot what it felt like to be complete and happy. now i can't stop crying. i literally can't stop crying. because i've been waiting so long for this its all built up.

if he asked me to marry him tonight, i would say yes. i love him and i was in love with him. and i just can't stop crying.

i'm going to be an absolute mess tonight. especially if he kisses me. i just won't be able to handle it. i never knew how much i missed him until now. i'm crying as i write this. i've been crying for about an hour. i ts just so wierd.
and then joan (my doc/ther.) gave me the best gifts i've ever gotten. she knows me as well as my parents. she gave me a book about finding meaning in life, nietzsche book, and a starbucks gift card.

its just cosmic. thats the only way to describe it.
i'm going to burst.

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 09:23:22 GMT

*staying out with Manu and Will until 5 in the morning
*not getting in trouble (so far) for staying out til 5 in the morning
*drinking, smoking, not getting drunk, or a headache, or tired.
*L.O.T.P. , B.T. people
*Joe^2
*bar on fait st. before s.decker
etc. more about it later
...
papermoon...etc.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 01:12:21 GMT

i am freaking out.
israel's on the verge of a war against practically all of the middle east. Giora might die because he fights in the Israeli army. They even called in the reservists. Hezbollah has kidnapped soldiers and killed some too. Hamas kidnapped one. Indian trains were bombed and mass amounts of people were killed. Baghdad is having a war between Sunni and Shiite muslims plus the whole anti-terrorism stunt going on with the US and Britain troops in the mix. The leader of Hamas is in Syria and Syria claims not to know anything about the attacks. Lebanon government is claiming the same. If Giora's name is listed in the fucking paper, i'm going to israel and joining the fucking army. this has to stop.

those i love, however quickly this assertion may be made, i'd do anything for them. i'd die for them. and if some fucking asshole palestinian kills Giora. Thats it for me. Hopping a plane to Israel, fighting in his revenge and the vengeance of Israel with feel as though it is on my back. It really is that simple for me.

dads having money managing problems with the practice and his partner. mom is getting older and pissing me and dad off. he's under the most pressure he's ever been on. there's nothing i can do.

i'm PMS-y. about to cry. and i don't know what to do.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 00:10:37 GMT

i think i've made a very important distinguishment between the loves of my art and the loves of my life. i pursue beauty with a sort of intrepid fumbling, or so i used to, and it was most successful at findings and breakings and sullen glances; at finely polished blue eyes and scrambled insides and burgundy hairs; at obsessions and slivers of intentions; at inspirations and brazen grazings of fingers, of skin, of backs, of right, of wrong.
the loves of my art, those poised remnants of memories, are romantic destructions that somehow make their way in between these words. they are the words sometimes, but that is when they are no more. once aware, the memories are spilt with ink never to be as they were. much like the writings they might have inspired.
i have made the mistake of loving those who inspired in ideas and dreams and plans, but i never loved them as they were, only as i believed they should be. they were, in my head, beauty; flawless and obsessable. the tiny wrists, the hip hugs, the waiting. these were over steppings. it was reality then, not an idea. it could never be again. and love became an explaination for not loving.
the loves of my life needed nothing more than casual thoughts and spontanaiety. they are and they may always be, but they are not subjects of inpiration really. they are simply a part of life, which in itself is granted and loved; but not obsessable.
a wandering mind needs equally wandering fantasies. this is me.
not an explination, but a further self-absorbed conclusion. a distinguishment as i have said.

perhaps this is why my obsession of the difference between kisses and sex. i do not love him as i do her. the kisses are more romantic, though they must lead nowhere. the lips softer, more desirable. the gentle touch of fingers and the strength and persistence of grinding legs are lovingly sturdy in place and intention. kisses with her are attempts to make the other whole by way of unsure tongues, anxious for exploration. kisses with her let her in. they are love. kisses with him lead to lust, which is not unhonorable, but it is blunt. kisses are not romantic they are like bases that lead to goals, necessary to be trampled on in fumbling steps. but desire is was quenches a long search, it is reveal, but not satiated unless indefinately lucky. they are not receptive, they are weakened by biology and fact. they are loving in a gladiator sort of way, going in for the kill. i wouldn't have it any other way, but it is not romantic (for if it is, it will not do.). it is simply different. i do not know exactly how to explain it. but in dreams, its painfully clear. so in this i say to myself, beware of any boy who kisses with such intensity and insecurity as to be like the kiss of a girl, for he is not a man. men they must be.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 11:38:11 GMT

throughout the short history of my life, i have not followed through on most anything.
i either do extraordinary things or nothing of importance at all, in fact, failures. many failures. not to others but to myself. i'm better, but its never going to be good enough for me.

to be a song i guess...

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 21:41:14 GMT

i'm just another anti-hero.
waiting on things i was supposed to be, you
couldn't wait and had to see, what it was
i should know. i took you up and then i let you go.

but when you're bleeding,
i will run faster than anyone to
try and get there so you can hate me
for being the one to pull you through again.
for being a good friend.
i'm just another anti-hero

and masterfly disguised as a thinker in my own right mind, through
pen and paper i distress over a difference, between who i ought to be
and who's standin' here.
but its all i've got, i break you down and it won't stop.

but when you're bleeding, i will run faster than anyone
to try and get there so you can hate me
for being the one to pull you through again.
for being the one to pull you through again.
don't you hate it when the one you hate, but really love
comes through to save you from yourself, that dripping, firey sun?
that dripping, firey sun. i'll save you from yourself! i'll save you from yourself.
and in this thought i found out, i'm just another anti-hero.
i'm just another anti-hero. i'm just another anti-hero.

i wish i knew how to do accents

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 03:40:27 GMT

la etait la certitude, dans le travail de tous les jours. La reste tenait a des fils et a des mouvement insignifiants, on ne pouvait s'y arreter. l'essentiel etait de bien faire son metier.
- la peste d'albert camus, p. 44

Sun, 28 May 2006 21:13:11 GMT

The blooming outside of the springing summer is a betrayal to the withering heights of these harsh disintegrations of the mornings of my ever-winters. the new way of deception breaths in like hedonism in a wave of heat. Listen. To the leaves growing, the romances spring and blow away. To the weathers disparity and detriment on those depressed and frustrated gibberish eye contact. And the news never covers this, but I want this summer to fade quickly into the A/C, to commit suicide, to be murdered.
Men wave to breasts that flirt through bikinis and they rarely see the faces, they wish to meet vaginas to grind into sand and leave them where they were found, strewn across the beach, or, more violently, at the bottom of the ocean. But who can blame them? Its perfect. Women wave to abs that flirt with embarrasing honesty or arms that guide walks like soldiers, they have their conversations in contractions and seizures of impressing strength. When the breasts beauty is in proportion to the abs or the arms, they make plans to wage a beautiful war on their bodies, but more often than not, the Men win and throw breasts away, through their memory and conquests: this is "summer romance". AND those who dare to look in each others eyes are soon lost and estranged as though lost in each other, but, unlike the common wars that men and women wage, the love is made with bodies and minds, not just their parts: they have the chance to feel whole, which makes their battles all the more intense as summer is replaced by falling leaves.
This is the mapping of our loves, our loses, our comings and our lefts, but soon these candy dreams will make war on who you were before:someday they will be fulfilled:someday they will be fulfilled? Someday. Will that day come in a day after your passing? Maybe. Be Hopeful.
The stories make time through their telling. Reality is just a melding of our minds and bodies: a deadly synthesis that sparks denial and reproach, depression, and all that is dialectical. pheromones are silent mating cries that make or break first sight. they comfort and upset.
But who am i kidding? Jealousy just rains on me with every hand held and every shoulder with an arm wrapped around it.
Why isn't that me? Why can't i be someones everybody?

Thu, 25 May 2006 03:01:37 GMT

i don't think i've ever loved you more than when you turned away when you slammed the door...

"Spread your wings and fly and if people try to clip them shit on their head and then chirp a beautiful song, baby."

break stride with the streetlamps, nowadays, they're the only ones who understand.

Tue, 23 May 2006 22:19:54 GMT

i used to be sad now i'm just bored with you.

Mon, 22 May 2006 02:33:53 GMT

i need to love something.

Thu, 18 May 2006 21:38:10 GMT

i am officially a philosophy junkie.

Wed, 10 May 2006 00:52:48 GMT

my last day of school was today. i am done.
yesterday, i got home at like 3:30 pm and realized i had nothing to do. so, i slept from about 4pm - 7:45 am plus or minus about an hour for dinner and bathroom breaks, but overall, i slept about 15 hours.
I have never done that before in my life. everytime i woke up, i went back to sleep like *snap*. the dreams i had were really interesting too, though i can't remember like all 8 of them...

i've decided that this is a summation for satre : blah blah blah i'm getting old blah blah blah other peoples faults help me feel good about myself blah blah blah being and nothingness blah blah blah i'm french and have cigarettes and write novels blah blah blah.
there just this french completely depressed culture style that just pisses me off. no i don't care if you get old. yes you're being a bitch. no you are not 'free' in life and no you can never be 'free' in life. you will always relate to someone unless you only relate to yourself and do not happen to qualify as a person. even then. your anatomy begs to differ. so shut the eff up. thanks. - pretentiousface

hey, albert camus,
yeah, you're pretty cool, but try not to write about peoples heads being chopped off or diseases or falls. oh, wait, you already did? and your dead? oh. well. i guess the damage is done.
rest in peace,
me
p.s. do you like Sartre? are you guys in the same place? could you tell him he's pissing me off? yeah. thanks.

and incase you didn't know: i love my rob and john and ben and steven and other ben.

Sat, 29 Apr 2006 18:10:54 GMT

i do not want to date anyone.
and i wish noone would get upset when i said i didn't.but that is impossible.
guys need to just ASK it. be like, hey will you go out with me? would you be my girlfriend?
instead of all this random fuzzy stuff like paying for dinner and pretending to be super nice when you just want to have sex. honestly, i could end the affair much quicker just by being like, hey, no. i don't want ot have sex with you. i think you'd better keep your money and be who you are and know that this will never go any further. if questions should arise with in the time that we know each other, this is the answer to all of those questions. accept it. enjoy my company because i enjoy yours and move on with it.
!!!!!
boys are ridiculous but in an honest way. and girls need to just like, stay the hell away from me. right now.

oh and here are new reasons why i find my parents to be wonderful:
- they pay for whatever we do together
- i am not expected in some esoteric assumption to "put-out"
- i can say thank you and have it not mean that i want to put out
- i can cuddle and it also does not mean that i want to put out.
- basically, all the relationship minus the putting out.
i don't know if i'd make this clear enough yet, but putting out, not something i do. fyi. and if we happen to be in love, it will be a long time until we both put out because we will be so scared. and it will be beautiful and i will marry you and love you for the rest of my life, but you will never take me out to the movies and pay and then expect me to put out. so frustrating.

i do want to date rob though. he makes me feel safe and his couch is like the most comfortable thing in the world and he only cuddles with me. :) and he's cute and he would pay and not expect anything. his tv is amazing his pool table is amazing. he's a writer, i'm a writer. we both love shooting stuff and fires. and i would be comfortable loving him. having philosophical discussions with him, not being looked at like an alien when i referrence faulkner or nietszche or locke or paine or hemingway or ...etc. plus, i feel like he'd be a really good kisser. and all those other people wouldn't feel so bad about being outright rejected because i could just say i have a boyfriend. and that would be the end of it. but it would divide the boys i hang out with. i wish i could date both john and him. or better yet, make them one person because john gives the best massages EVER. and they both put up with me watching gilmore girls on the big screen. i love them both very dearly.